


This Time, Too

by Marta_Ayanami



Series: Of Gold, Green, White, Red, Sky, Blood, Purple, and Blue (Less than Infinite, more colours) [13]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, IW SPOILERS, Loki's stream of consciousness, My headcanons, btw Loki sorts out his two sets of memories best while dying, but being able to sort out Memories is what Loki 'likes' best about process of dying, don't read before watching Infinity War first kay?, his two sets Real ones and Fake ones from Mind Stone that is, ten seconds in Time Enough for all such thoughts I promise, you can draw a picture while not being able to draw a breath, you can think in your mind all that and more in 2 seconds when you think you are dying trust me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 13:11:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17183630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: Just like many times before, for ease and comfort, he lied to himself "This is alright, I wanted to die, anyway, and at least Thor is watching and might cry for me, that's awesome and I'm satisfied with this, if Thor sees something like this, he might mourn for ten years, and that will be great! Worth it."This time, Loki didn't believe his own lie.It would be better to live for ten years alongside Thor than not exist at all and only be one of Thor's ghosts.It would be better to live, and become Thor's friend again, and then, to become Thor's Brother again, his younger brother. Slowly, over time.It would be better to heal.With these thoughts--He didn't believe himself when he lied to himself 'it's fine', he no longer believed himself.And that was alright. He was a liar, after all.





	This Time, Too

Just like many times, oh so many, so many, many times, before, for ease and comfort, he lied to himself "This is alright, I wanted to die, anyway, and at least Thor is watching and might cry for me, that's awesome and I'm satisfied with this, if Thor sees something like this, he might mourn for ten years, and that will be great! Worth it."  
  
This time, Loki didn't believe his own lie.  
  
It would be better to live for ten years alongside Thor than not exist at all and only be one of Thor's ghosts.  
  
It would be better to live, and become Thor's friend again, and then, to become Thor's Brother again, his younger brother. Slowly, over time.  
  
It would be better to heal.  
  
With these thoughts--  
  
He didn't believe himself when he lied to himself 'it's fine', he no longer believed himself.

Fake.

  
And that was alright. He was a liar, after all.

 

****

Yes, he didn't believe himself. When he lied to himself - when Thanos grabbed his throat - that this is fine, after all, it's happened before, the Titan scaring him like that to make sure that Loki stays scared, squeezing almost to the point - but then letting go - that happened many, many, many, many times over that _glorious_ year between 2011 of 2012, by Midgard standards - was it 2011? or 2012? Loki knew not. His mind refused to go to those memories by day, and refused to dream of much else but those memories by nights.

Minds, Memories, Flash backs: they are little monsters that try to kill us. Obviously. Hah!

******

_I want to breathe. Please--_

_******_

But when Thanos grabbed him by the throat this time, Loki knew immediately, by the look on Titan's face, that this time, the Titan would not let go of Loki. No, not of Loki. Maybe of Loki's corpse later unless the Titan wanted a pretty trophy, to stuff with straw, mayhaps, that's what Loki would have done if he was Thanos, after all. Isn't that what you do to unruly pets?

*****

Breathe, breathe, he had to-- but how--?!

*********

_Brother, you're here, you will help me, won't you, I just need to breathe, I can die, I'm good at dying, it's just, I can't stand---this whole not breathing thing--how can I call to Thor for help---Thor is here, he will help, he always does--well, maybe not that time he threw me off the Rainbow Bridge or that other time, before, when he said I'm not his brother, apparently never was, just some another frost giant for him to slay, but did those time happen-- and everything hurts but I can look back, and no, those times never happened, I discovered that in Svartalfheim, Svatalfeim, the Realm in which Thor became Brother again, and every lie cleared, so, I just had to lie to him, everything would be too honest, otherwise-----it hurts------so, Thor, that's quite foolish of brother, yes, but he always, ALWAYS, forever tries to save me from myself, and after today, I promise to forget my fake memories and tell them all to Thor tomorrow, oh, he'll have such a laugh at them and-- please.... can't breathe..._

___________

_But no. I've saved Thor today, because Thor saved me many times and got only the worst brother for his efforts, so, I'm just repaying the debt._

_But, what did I think about stuffed animals, again? Oh, right, I wouldn't want to be, that's disgusting--_

Loki really didn't want to be stuffed, that's just disgusting.

And he couldn't breathe, right now, Thor should really call some lightning up to help with that, _I beg you,_

_but no, you can't, I forgot, you already gave everything from yourself to protect your- no, our -people, but Thor, I can't breathe, I beg of You, brother, please, help, I'm dying--- please---no, no, that's beside the point, why am I so weak---_

So, about Thor--

Good thing was, Thor was here, and surely Thor wouldn't let anybody stuff Loki. So, that was good. That was a relief, truly.

That's why he honestly loved Thor more than anything.

**********

_Brother, help, I can't breathe, I know you can't hear me, but you can see me, so please, do something, I know you can do anything, I--nevermind, I just-- hate this feeling--- don't look at me, I ---_

***********

No, that was not why.

That was just one of the billion of billions of reasons.

And Thor, besides, was a god, like Thanos could only ever dream of being. The way Thor was, right now, Loki could feel it, looking at Loki right now, even after everything's Loki done that would make anybody loathe Loki - anybody but Frigga and Thor, who were the gods that Loki should worship in tears at their feet, instead of constantly doing things that amounted to blasphemy to them, sort of... yes, truly.

Right now, he could only think of Mother, and of Brother, and of what being a god was, and who could ever claim to be one.

To be jealous of Their Own People - Jealous as in protective, sure to try and protect them always, becuase - he couldn't breathe, that sucked, but, nevermind-- he lives by their worship - like a god. Truly.

_Must---Breathe--_

And that was NOT Thanos. Never. Never, no matter how many Ebony Maws he would surround himself with. Third rate worshippers that Thanos could lose and find another, and another, and another. No, Thanos would never be jealous of Ebony Maw, and if that one failed, Thanos wouldn't cry and rage and shout 'come home!', no, not at all. Not Nebula, not Proxima Midnight, not Ronan, not the Other, not Corvus Glaive. Thanos would never lose sleep over his small worshippers. Would never - --- they were, some of them, the Children of Thanos, but they were _not,_ for only a fake child is never loved at all.

Thanos was no god, and --  _I still can't breathe_ \- and, and, aaaand, and his small efforts to become one? Laughable, truly laughable, and oh, so pathetic! As if a tiny Midgardian child was playing around with their forefathers' nuclear bombs, stomping feet and yelling "Fear me, I'm a God!!! I'm Almighty! I can kill you!" And yes, the child would easily kill. Nothing godlike about it! A god can kill, but with style, with reason, and without yelling 'I'm a god!' Gods need not yell it, for... one does not need to yell 'I can walk! I can breathe! I can speak! I can write!' . The only one who yells it is the one who cannot.

_can't. breathe.'s like being on fire or--_

Almighty Thanos? Don't make him laugh. Which would be difficult, without possibility of breathing, and in this pain, dammit, he couldn't breathe--. If he was almighty, there would be no need to say it alive. The sun doesn't yell that it's warm and shiny.

And mother never yelled that she's beautiful.

And Thor doesn't go around shouting 'I'm such a fool, I'll forgive my little brother anything and everything, no matter how many times he stabs me in the heart, wow!'

Thor.

_Right, Thor, Thor, you're there, so please, help, Thor, brother, I know you can't hear me, but I can't breathe, so, please--- no, wait, hold that thought, what can Thor possibly do, he's chained up by Maw, but, Thor, Thor, Thor, please--no, wait--_

Would Thor be alright?

That had looked painful. Loki's never been touched by Power Stone, so he had no idea how painful that was. Too bad. He'd like to know. Would Thor be alright? Or has Loki and Hulk waited too long?

_I'm sorry it wasn't done more quickly. Sorry, brother. Please, Thor, be alright. Like always. Please. I love you, you know. Not as much as I love Mother, but I love you, Brother, and, please, I wish for all the sun for you again, I..._

_****_

_I can't breathe, I really can't breathe anymore, is it already... it feels like ages, but also like seconds, is it what truly dying is like? On Svartfheim it wasn't quite like that, I, I think, this is truly-- Well, what can I do, anyway, I'm not even sure what I'd have done a year ago, or what Thor would have done, or mother, or father, I don't know...  I don't know... I don't know--_

 

_***********_

_I only know-- Thor is here, and I'm glad for that, though, I shouldn't be, because, oh, this probably looks painful, Thor, don't look, just close your eyes, please, that's would be better--_

 

_*******_

_There is no need to look, at some Mad titan, who thinks he is all that--- quite a boring sight, so, Thor, don't look, don't look at me like that--not when I surely look pathetic, because this hurts, and I can't breathe--  
_

 

_*****_

_See, I'm fine, I can even still say what I think and mouth off to any fool who thinks they got me---so, don't look--- a few years ago, I wanted you to look, and cry, but not today, because now, this just might be for ever, and so, don't you look, please, don't look, listen, I'm fine, I can even still-- casually be myself-- Thor, don't look, today, I have no wish of torturing you, and of torturing Mother if she can see from beyond, so, don't look... I love you, and I'm fine, and I can still mouth off to my enemies, that's how alright I'm feeling right now--it hurts, it hurts, it hurts -- I'm fine, Brother, I still am perfectly fine, so, don't be scared for me, just escape now, and murder Thanos later, you can, only You can, and so, look, I'm fine--- because Thanos cannot hurt You, he is not--will never be--_

 

_********_

_Never._

_*****_

_Thanos, you can smile all you want, you ignorant fool. What will you say with a hammer in your neck, I wonder? Hah! That's also why I love Thor, by the way, he's really got it. But that's not really... the real reason... the reason is simply... he's mine. My Brother._

_And I'm a god who is jealous of myself and mine. Nobody will take what's mine. Never.  
_

_And I love Thor and Asgard dearly, since they're mine._

_And Thanos, you will never- never- never---_

_******_

_And Thor? Thor would mourn me, I'm sure, for five or ten of fifteen years, because he actually loves me a little, and after all I've done, that's incredible of him, and very kind and sentimental of him, I'm sure he has plenty of nostalgia for me, so that's nice, but in thirty or in two hundred years, he will forget me, certainly, and that's good, isn't he?_

_Will surely have a real family of his own by then._

_But if he names a kid after me, I will kill him..._

_******_

_Thanos, meanwhile, he would call people his kids without even knowing what the word meant, laughable, truly, why have I ever been so scared of Thanos, when he's --- he's just a clown! Pretending to be something more than a Celestial, sure, and sure I'm hurting right now, but any clown can strangle somebody or break spine because I think it's going to break, but, just a clown, no, a petty child who--- pathetic---!! Thinks it's wiser than anybody, has a recipe for Universe, so, so, so absolutely pathetic---!!!--Thanos, you foolish little thing, you--I know not why you ever scared me, I must have been an utter coward, but, know what you are? Even if you get all gems, Thor will crush you someday, because you're nothing, you're a petty offended child whose ideas weren't heard because they were FOOLISH and honestly stupid, not because your world was wrong, and actually, I don't care about your world, I'm glad it's rotted. And you say you might love your children, but you never do, because you're incapable of love, unlike me, and maybe you have it better, because love, I see, hurts like Hel, and I can't breathe for it, things one does for...love... but, still, you're pathetic, titan.Truly, you--_

_******_

And it felt like there was a growing hole in his neck, so he had to think, fast, about something else, because that was just _too unpleasant._ To think about Mother - no, maybe not about Mother, he accidentally had killed (murdered, and before, called her not his Mother, and before, not listened when she found a called, from afar, and before, before that, he... and before that, he.. still...) her, and right now, right now he a moment ago maybe accidentally killed half the Universe, because Thanos will surely kill half the Universe, but that was fine, because Thor-- because that only meant that Loki, with great effort, managed NOT to accidentally murder Brother.

Not killing Thor turned out to be quite... expensive... and painful... but still... maybe it could feel good---especially if he could say some obscenities to Thanos, no, Thanos cared nothing for---- obscenities, it's not like "Fuck you" would slightly irritate the Titan, but, what---Thanos cares for is---  _Like I said, you're pathetic, Thanos, you can never---ever---never--be--a god like us here, I will tell you, fuck you, so, you will never---I can't breathe---no matter, still, I can say enough---you will--never--_

_************_

"You---will never be a god--"

_Not of a universe as you think, not of any benevolent goodness like you think, not of nothing, because, because, gods, gods they create something, that is what they are gods of, even me, you create nothing, and so, there is nothing for you to be god of, and so---you will die soon, and wonder why you didn't listen to me, and in Hel, I will laugh, because, because Thor... because Asgard.. will always-- exist, truly, unlike some pathetic thing like Thanos's dream. Asgard might be decimated, but it's going to exist, forever, and so--- even I, might be rememembered, no matter how selfish that-- but I have a right to be selfish, since I was born to die as my only birthright, and so-- I know, I know Thor will remember me, and that is enough, enough to---feel pretty satisfied---well, not really, but--  
_

_**********_

And then, darkness came suddenly, with the sound of crack of a fabric of reality, or at least, that's how it sounded to Loki.


End file.
